How to start your life from Scratch.

Kinda feel like I need a cuddle…

I miss the storytellers arms…

Am going to see Sex and the city 2 with him and a few friends on friday night.

I cant wait!!!!!

I love that he loves sex and the city.

I love his green eyes.

I love his charm and just….he knows how to command a room, sometimes without a word…A natural….aura of something….alluring….

In a good way though!

Im still smitten.

And Im not afraid to be…

Im only afraid if he decides he doesnt want me. Even though it is my fault.

I’ll be fine once im in his arms and I get to kiss him.

Once I kiss him…Im not letting him get away again…

Ok, not meant to be creepy, but you know what I mean?

Enough. said..

Whoever doesnt love the perfect italiano guy needs to love him now! lol!

American Goth boy all of sudden (again) is like “yeah hows those stars aligning for you”

It has come to my attention that now he is in a foreign country, no matter how new age and alternative he is, he’s still a douche for thinking that his accent is going to work and saying things he thinks are sexy in his accent, really doesnt work.

*shakes head*

Hmmm…..Was invited to a LARP game today…but I have groceries to buy and risotto i need to make.

I tried talking to the storyteller yesterday….Im just setting myself for accepting that I really fucked things up there…which sucks…

But all this has given me the strength to realize… the geek and I are done. I am going to be able to safely walk away from that no problems.

It’s all gonna be ok, and if it turns out im alone for a little longer, thats ok, i like my company.

Everything will be fine.

fizgig1202:

my-ear-trumpet:

comabones:

Gallery F—-king Serpentine.

http://www.galleryserpentine.com.au/

I need to share with you this AMAZING gothic/victorian/steampunk clothing store based in Australia. I own several pieces which I have accumulated over the last 2 years and spent around $3000+ at the store in Roberston. The store handmakes their pieces and everything is to die for! It is certainly worth your time.

A sneek peak of one of my favourite outfits made by GS( I own the red version of this)

 omg! I LOVE this store too! I am so jealous you have this in red, I’ve been tempted to buy it for weeks!!!! :)

But yes, discover this store. Tis freaking awesome :)

talking geek with a girl is fun…

Thats what i been doing…

Somedays the boys just…it goes *woosh* over my head!!! lol!

But its nice, it feels…comfy :)

When did I face my head casism so head on?

Enderill and I had a good chat last night over whisky last night.

Was exactly what I needed.

I know I still like the storyteller. I don’t know why I’m holding on for the geek anymore.

Really. I don’t.

Fear is a really debilitating thing. It’s just holding onto it…there’s no more reason…

What the hell am I afraid for?

It’s time….

Time to stop being so afraid and face this. Face that I’m holding on for something that won’t happen with the geek, when I could have happiness…REAL happiness with a guy who is head over heels for me, who wants to love me and give me happiness but I’m too scared to take because of my past.

I have. The oppourtunity to change the way I do relationships, I have the oppourtunity to start again with my heart. Really start again and make something beautiful. With someone who wants to.

I just hope i’m not too late…

Just saying!

Left work early!! :-)

Was supposed to be going to rottnest island. Now were not. Oh well!!!

Off to go lust at enderills ipad. Can’t wait!!!

I get to leave work early today. I’m gonna go do some stuff and buy birthday cake stuff for one of my flatmates birthday tomorrow.

My birthday is in a month, I’m gonna go to a pool hall and play pool all night. I like it. So long as enderill and the geek are there, that’s all that matters, everyone else is a bonus :-)

Glee music and glee is on tonight!!!

It’s gonna be a good day!!!

I may have said my manager had ugly eyelashes yesterday, purely because in my vanity, I said I don’t like the look of clumpy caked on mascara.

My idea of beauty is to enhance and look natural. Therefore I keep my makeup minimal.

So naturally she took to heart as a way to razz me up.

Still, it was nice to get one back when she insulted my fingerless gloves last week. But that’s my pettyness showing. And I don’t wanna dwell on that! That’s not worth it.

It’s rainy. It’s not rainy often here. I like it.

My mood is getting better, this is good :-)

Ok I may have been singing glee songs down the street to the train station this morning.

I may have downloaded all the songs from this new season already.

Oh I loves it!!!

dances at the train station

I downloaded Jesse’s girl just now.

Its actually one of my favourite songs (mostly because I love singing it when I go to gay bars and normally find me a girl named jesse after!!) And I nearly bought a t-shirt once what actually had that written on it.

I think I need to make that t-shirt

That and one that says “challenge accepted”

I do love how i met your mother.

Im feeling a bit better at the moment.

Maybe its because Im just not talking to anyone today and just…finding it impossible to not think about the geek.

I know he’s over me. Or at least he wants to get over me….

I guess I just have to accept it and move on with myself, get myself back on track.

I think meditation session is in order for tonight. My mind needs to calm down.

Yes. I think I like this idea.

And while she looks so sad in photographs I absolutely love her…

When she smiles…

I just felt like saying it. That’s all.

:-)

I’ll not make a fool of myself…

I pretty much launched a venomed filled crying fest at the geek last night.

All because he asked about whether the storyteller and I were together.

Fucking hell I’ve got a big ol’ dose of crazy I keep on serving to him.

If I’m honest….

I still want him. Only him. And yet he’s trying to get over me. I really fucked this up. And it fucking sucks.

I just we could have gotten our shit together. We both know how good we would be together. But were both so fucking scared of ourselves and each other that….it’s just never gonna happen…

And that’s heartbreaking….

I just need to give up….

I has it…

I did uncomfortable things and said uncomfortable things.

But I did it because my heart needs to be free…and alone….

Its a hard feeling, loneliness, but its a nice feeling to get to know so I can feel comfortable in my own company again.

When just when you thought you could give up on something, or someone…

They surprise you.

And give you what you truly need.

I bear costume for women that looks exactly like pedobear.

Either im not making sense or the world has officially gone crazy.

Im about to go through a massive breakdown again.

*sigh* I can feel the feelings and I accept that they are there, unfortunately because I have been caught up in the storyteller/geek bullshit, I’ve left my mental health go unchecked.

And I started bad drinking again. Not the “I can do the occasional drink in social circumstances”, its the “drinking to forget my problems drinking”.

I didnt even go to the gym once last week, I always try and make it at least once, no matter my mood.

Time to just stop and breathe.

Time to just stop.

I need to breathe.

I really need to breathe.

sorryforthescars:

fullofcuriosity-:

(via bieberfever-, sage-marieee)

My head’s there for good now.

I basically drank myself into oblivion so I didnt have to deal with the awkwardness of being in the same room as the storyteller and the geek all night.

I need to be alone because I cant be with the storyteller and I cant honestly get into anything with anyone when if the geek said the word I would be running back into his arms in a second.

Enderill and I discussed this last night. He actually agreed with me when I said “if the geek really and truly wanted to be with me, any of the problems that he had he could work through while with me.”

I just need to be in Narnia tonight. Everything will be easier this way.

I’m not ready for anything unless its in Narnia.

I’ll choose who I take there though.

I understand that I sound totally nutsy at this point. But somehow it makes sense at the moment to me. Not much else at the moment.

Omg!!!! Porn parody trailer online!!! Tis highlarious!!!! :-)

Cannot wait!!! :-)

I made the geek a purple chef hat cos he couldn’t find his. He didn’t do much prep cos he was busy working on what to wear to my party on sat night! It was cute!!

sigh this world gets so hard sometimes but all it takes is four words…

Take me to narnia.

Looking forward to pasta night with friends, the geek is cooking, the storyteller is hosting.

In the words of Chandler: could this BE anymore awkward????

Really just wanna be alone and just sort through my head everything.

The storyteller just thinks I’m being a challenge for backing off. It’s more…. You know when you see a peice of clothing in a store and you think that’s gonna look great on you, then you try it on and it just doesn’t fit or feel right?

That’s the situation. I’m not encouraging it because I really don’t wanna get his hopes up.

Meanwhile the geek just doesn’t want to talk to me he needs to get over “the hurt I caused him”. I admit it I was a bit harsh about everything.

I was scared, I know that’s not a good enough excuse, but we all push people and things away when we get scared. It’s a knee-jerk reaction.

I was scared of everything we were, everything we could have been. That we both were really special to one another. Of being hurt or rejected again and again. All he wants is time and to not hold me back from living.

I knew all this, I didn’t want to listen because I wanted everything right then right there. I wanted to make it my feelings, and not listen to his.

Now I don’t know what’s gonna happen next and it’s pretty darn painful for a girl like me. It’s a situation completely out of my control.

I need to let go of all of this and just throw myself into something else. That’s the best option. Doing my beadwork for my headwear took my mind off a lot of things, it was good.

furiously beads more maybe that’ll help!!! >.<

Make this a really good day!

No stupid boys, work only!

I will do it!

So Nyah!!!!

just….

one day….

I’ll finally see whats supposed to be right in front of me…

and I’ll be happy…

For now…

I need to be alone…

Alone is gonna be better…